My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
