Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
