I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
