i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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