i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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