whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
