don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
