Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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