i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
