Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
