Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
