i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
