i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
