I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
