I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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