break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
