u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
