What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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