roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No subtext here. People are naked.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
