My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
