Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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