I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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