oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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