Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
