Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
