I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
