I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize