i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
