She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
