Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
