we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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