note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
