I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Randomize
