Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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