look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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