one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
