I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
His nipple licking is glorious
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
