i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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