She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
