After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
