end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
