can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
