Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
