I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
