I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
