Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
