She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
