Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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