Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
