if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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