she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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