Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I skipped work to stalk him.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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