i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
