She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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