the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
