you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
