I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
